It's nearly time for my oldest child, Autumn Rose, to leave for college. We stayed up until midnight getting all of her things into suitcases and duffel bags. We are almost done. It's just mostly little things now...batteries for her watch, untangling some necklaces I tangled (!), and running to and fro for odd items. I thought she should take her computer manual....she insists she doesn't need it. I think she needs to remember to do this or that...but she thinks I'm a crazy person. Sigh. I don't want her to leave me. She is stoic and practical to my flexing and daydreaming. She is wise and deep, yet still young and naive. I want more time to sit and listen to her thoughts and views on life. This is too hard. But it's time. Her childhood is nearing it's end. She's ready to turn the page.
OK. I will tell you about a time in college that still has never ceased to amaze me. This happened when I was a sophomore. One Wednesday afternoon, I had just gotten to my room when I realized that I was all alone. Normally, one or two of my roommates would have been there in the room, but mysteriously, they were gone. I remember that while I was walking to my dorm room, I had a heaviness and despair bearing down on me. The stress and work load felt like heavy weights on my shoulders and in my hands. I was worn out from trying to manage. I also felt a bit dejected and quite lonely. Even if I did not have anything to say, my roommates were usually quite cheerful and I looked forward to soaking up their happy chatter. But, that afternoon, it was raining and my umbrella was helpless to hold it back. Melancholy, I put one foot in front of the other and walked (squished) up the stairs to the third floor. Upon opening the door to my room, my hopes dropped to the floor and refused to get back up as I took in my room's sad silence and emptiness.
I tried. I really did. I tried to get dried off, get organized, and shake my mood. But I was defeated, tired, and so very, very lonely. There was no one to call or talk with at that point. It was just me. And God. For the first time since I had started college, I simply tried to give up. Sickened by despair and loneliness, I cried out to God in prayer, "Abba, Father!" It was all I could manage. Then, finally, "Help me! This is too hard for me. I'm not asking for you to take my load for me...but could you maybe lighten it for a few moments?" My face felt sharp and tense, my throat was strangled, and my lungs could not get oxygen. Thinking was like breathing water. Deep Breath. I forced myself to dry my tears, sit down, and begin studying. More deep breaths. I began to read. My forehead strained and knotted as I tried to make sense of my studies. The telephone rang. My body felt strangely old and broken as I forced myself to get up to answer the phone, It was for a girl in the room across the hall. I knocked on her door and she answered. She was on her telephone so she asked me if I could tell the caller that she would call back. So, I did. I hung up the phone and began to sit down again....but the telephone rang again. "Hello?" I sighed into the receiver. "Hi Tracy, it's me...Tracey!" exclaimed this beautiful, amazing voice. My jaw dropped and suddenly, I could not breath again. I could feel my blood running down, down, down out of my mind and the room began to spin. "Tracy? It's me! Is that you?"
It was one of my very best friends, Tracey. From Oregon. As teens we had sung together for church, spent days travelling on singing tours, and had even been to Disneyland (we ran away from everybody and started going from ride to ride with some boys we had befriended...until our pastor caught us in the act and read us the riot act! That girl was a hoot!) When we were together, we would laugh and talk until our faces hurt.
And she was on the phone.
She was on the phone! But that's not all....she was right down the street from my college which was clear on the other side of the nation in South Carolina. She could not believe I had answered the phone. I could not believe she was on the phone. She figured it would be hard to get a hold of me and she did not have much time to spare. "Could you meet me right now?" Some lady was loaning her a car and she would be right there. After I hung up the phone, I got on my knees and thanked God for His mercies and grace. And then I ran!!
It was real. She was real. And then, her arms were around me. It was if Jesus Himself had His own arms around me. My burdens and loneliness began to melt as we talked and walked and laughed and cried. And then she had to go....her group was going to sing at a nearby church that evening, and then she was leaving early in the morning. I think we had about 2 1/2 hours together. So then, with my heart overflowing and nourished by her wisdom, strength and love, she got into this big, lumbering car and drove away. My heart was about to explode with joy! I practically skipped back to my dorm room and got ready for dinner. After an enjoyable dinner, I happily hauled my heavy bag of books to the library and practically sang out loud the whole way there. There were six weeks left in the school year and that is what got me through.
Jesus Loves Me This I Know
For the Bible tells me so,
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak...but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves Me!
Yes! Jesus Loves Me!
Yes! Jesus Loves Me!
The Bible tells me so.
Even me. God loves even me.
So, with that....I know that my Autumn Rose will go on to college and it will be okay. In time, she will adjust...and so will I. In Genesis chapter 18, verse 14a it asks; "Is anything too hard for the LORD?"
Nothing...as long as I give it to Him and let Him have it.
Good night all. I know I can sleep now. ;)
OK. I will tell you about a time in college that still has never ceased to amaze me. This happened when I was a sophomore. One Wednesday afternoon, I had just gotten to my room when I realized that I was all alone. Normally, one or two of my roommates would have been there in the room, but mysteriously, they were gone. I remember that while I was walking to my dorm room, I had a heaviness and despair bearing down on me. The stress and work load felt like heavy weights on my shoulders and in my hands. I was worn out from trying to manage. I also felt a bit dejected and quite lonely. Even if I did not have anything to say, my roommates were usually quite cheerful and I looked forward to soaking up their happy chatter. But, that afternoon, it was raining and my umbrella was helpless to hold it back. Melancholy, I put one foot in front of the other and walked (squished) up the stairs to the third floor. Upon opening the door to my room, my hopes dropped to the floor and refused to get back up as I took in my room's sad silence and emptiness.
I tried. I really did. I tried to get dried off, get organized, and shake my mood. But I was defeated, tired, and so very, very lonely. There was no one to call or talk with at that point. It was just me. And God. For the first time since I had started college, I simply tried to give up. Sickened by despair and loneliness, I cried out to God in prayer, "Abba, Father!" It was all I could manage. Then, finally, "Help me! This is too hard for me. I'm not asking for you to take my load for me...but could you maybe lighten it for a few moments?" My face felt sharp and tense, my throat was strangled, and my lungs could not get oxygen. Thinking was like breathing water. Deep Breath. I forced myself to dry my tears, sit down, and begin studying. More deep breaths. I began to read. My forehead strained and knotted as I tried to make sense of my studies. The telephone rang. My body felt strangely old and broken as I forced myself to get up to answer the phone, It was for a girl in the room across the hall. I knocked on her door and she answered. She was on her telephone so she asked me if I could tell the caller that she would call back. So, I did. I hung up the phone and began to sit down again....but the telephone rang again. "Hello?" I sighed into the receiver. "Hi Tracy, it's me...Tracey!" exclaimed this beautiful, amazing voice. My jaw dropped and suddenly, I could not breath again. I could feel my blood running down, down, down out of my mind and the room began to spin. "Tracy? It's me! Is that you?"
It was one of my very best friends, Tracey. From Oregon. As teens we had sung together for church, spent days travelling on singing tours, and had even been to Disneyland (we ran away from everybody and started going from ride to ride with some boys we had befriended...until our pastor caught us in the act and read us the riot act! That girl was a hoot!) When we were together, we would laugh and talk until our faces hurt.
And she was on the phone.
She was on the phone! But that's not all....she was right down the street from my college which was clear on the other side of the nation in South Carolina. She could not believe I had answered the phone. I could not believe she was on the phone. She figured it would be hard to get a hold of me and she did not have much time to spare. "Could you meet me right now?" Some lady was loaning her a car and she would be right there. After I hung up the phone, I got on my knees and thanked God for His mercies and grace. And then I ran!!
It was real. She was real. And then, her arms were around me. It was if Jesus Himself had His own arms around me. My burdens and loneliness began to melt as we talked and walked and laughed and cried. And then she had to go....her group was going to sing at a nearby church that evening, and then she was leaving early in the morning. I think we had about 2 1/2 hours together. So then, with my heart overflowing and nourished by her wisdom, strength and love, she got into this big, lumbering car and drove away. My heart was about to explode with joy! I practically skipped back to my dorm room and got ready for dinner. After an enjoyable dinner, I happily hauled my heavy bag of books to the library and practically sang out loud the whole way there. There were six weeks left in the school year and that is what got me through.
Jesus Loves Me This I Know
For the Bible tells me so,
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak...but He is Strong.
Yes, Jesus Loves Me!
Yes! Jesus Loves Me!
Yes! Jesus Loves Me!
The Bible tells me so.
Even me. God loves even me.
So, with that....I know that my Autumn Rose will go on to college and it will be okay. In time, she will adjust...and so will I. In Genesis chapter 18, verse 14a it asks; "Is anything too hard for the LORD?"
Nothing...as long as I give it to Him and let Him have it.
Good night all. I know I can sleep now. ;)
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